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24 October 2010 @ 01:56 am
94. Not quite right  


(Please note that the following -rant- is not meant for attention or pity or -whatever- I just need to say it, form my thoughts into words and hopefully move past this and get better)
Ahhhh... My life. I really don't know. Everything is getting worse. I'm getting worse. I go weeks without talking to anyone. I can't stand being around people; streets, buses, shopping centers, university. The people I know and are friends with I'm ok, it's fine but it's..strangers... I resent them, I look around and can't stand it and just want to run and find some place to escape. It's not hatred, not quite... Why? because I feel isolated around them, like there is a wall between me and everyone else. I can't understand them- just being around brings up feeling of loneliness to the point of suffocation. I feel numb and slightly hollow. But what is the worst part of my current...mind set is

I have never felt more true to myself but that just distances me more from the real world.

I don't have a place. I have learned not to rely on other people, never show weakness or how much you really care so they will never know how much they really hurt you if they leave. I love my friends but I have issues keeping in touch, I'm afraid people don't want me around so I never push myself on them. I need them to say "I want to be with you, I miss you" till I can take a step. It's pathetic and I hate it. I hate they made this way. I hate the awful things they said and how they made me feel so completely unwanted and unnecessary to the point were I am damaged. 6 years and I'm still not past it. But then I never let it show, never let them know they ever affected me. But now I know that I need someone to fix me, hold me and make me better.

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I have (about) two weeks left of uni before I can even think about sorting myself out. I have developed really bad sleeping habits. I am awake all night (it's 2am right now) and sleep during the daylight T^T Not good. I read too much. -pffft- lies, no one can read too much. But still, I need to study for my sociology exam and another 2 Japanese exam. I had my speaking exam on Friday.. god I made so many grammar errors haaaa, but I think my time in Japan have really helped me sound more natural-ish >.< hopefully haha. But yes after the exam I went back into the city to see my mother. She and her friend booked a hotel for that night for them and also for me even though I live in the city. Ok, I should probably stat my family all do odd things so for me I didn't even think much off it. So yeah, her friend is lovely, but talks so much! I would be reading and I won't even get two lines in before she asked me something else >.< The hotel was nice, so it was nice to get away and try to behave like normal and not think. We went to the Valentino exhibit at GoMA. It was good, I liked a lot of the clothes and the work they put into those dresses is staggering -but- I would only wear one, maybe? lol

Then we went to movies and watched Eat Pray Love, sooooooo good, watch it if you are think of seeing it. Utterly moving story. Returned to the hotel late at night. I read till later. Then the next day we went out to breakfast: pancakes♥, I freaking love pancakes! ;w; then later I went home when they caught the train... + more hours of reading and here we are~♥

I apologize if the content of this post was a bit -darker- than my normal posts but I needed to say it somewhere since I can't talk about these things to other people. It's too hard. So an empty space on the internet seems most appropriate.

With much love♥, Kaarina.